


picking up where I left off (is impossible now)

by orphan_account



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: AU where Ell came back to life, F/F, some parts of the season may be changed accordingly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-24 08:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4913131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura held out a hand. Carmilla crossed her arms. It was clear that she did not want Ell to take Laura’s hand.</p><p>So, naturally, Ell smiled gratefully and let Laura lead her away.</p><p>(What if Ell had come back? Takes place end of S1 and continues from there. S2 through Ell's POV)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If all of the dialogue is in italics, it is in german.

The first thing Ell felt was the shaking.

Shaking, shaking, shaking--and then falling. For so long there was nothing but black and the occasional refuge into dreams. Now, for the first time in a hundred years, Ell’s knees hit solid ground, moist from Lophiiformes’s slimy skin. For just a moment, she gathered the dirt in her fists and cried, smeared it on her face and arms. It had been so long since she felt _something_ besides pain and despair.

The second thing Ell felt was blind terror. The monster was behind her. Moving.

She knew if she turned there would be no escape--she would be frozen to the spot. So she didn’t look. She only ran blindly forward, stumbling on the loose dirt, before her hands clutched the edge of the pit and she hauled herself up. Ell almost fell a few times, tripping over the tattered ends of her skirt.

Screaming, running, shaking ground, the sound of stone collapsing--the light almost made it impossible for her to see. But it was sunlight. And grass. And being alive again.

Except now the campus was being ripped apart. Ell couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ let that monster take her again. She’d rather take her own life if it came to that.

“Hey!”

She turned toward the sound. Someone was looking at her. She seemed so familiar. And she was carrying a backpack. Three other girls followed her.

One of them…

“Laura, _no.”_

Laura. The girl she visited in her dreams. She had tried to warn her--and it worked. Sort of.

But the woman with her--she was Ell’s demon. The _vampiren._ The one who damned her. If Ell got any closer she didn’t know what she’d do.

Laura turned to Carmilla and said something, obviously angry. She didn’t speak english, but Ell heard her name. They spoke, becoming more and more animated, until the ground rumbled again and one of the others shouted something.

Carmilla glared at Laura, as she walked toward Ell.

“Hey. Hey, you’re Ell, aren’t you? I’m Laura. I don’t know if you remember me, but my friends and I can help you get out of here.”  Ell could only sort of understand what she said--she’d picked up some english, from dreams and tutors when she was alive, but she’d never been able to speak it. Laura’s voice was soft and comforting.

Carmilla’s eyes, on the other hand, were cold and threatening.

Laura held out a hand. Carmilla crossed her arms. It was clear that she did not want Ell to take Laura’s hand.

So, naturally, Ell smiled gratefully and let Laura lead her away.

* * *

 

Laura knew Carmilla didn’t _really_ want to leave Ell to die.

And what was Laura supposed to do, when she saw her stumbling out of the Lustig wearing nothing but rags? It wouldn’t have been right. It wouldn’t have been Laura.

So, she took Ell’s hand. “Come on, we’re going to help you out of here. You’re coming with us.”

Communication was a problem for a later time. Right now they just needed to get out.

“Guys, come on, I see the gates!” LaFontaine shouted. They pointed toward the padlocked iron gates and Perry ran forward.

“They’re locked! Why are they locked? Shouldn’t there be people coming in a few days anyway?”

“Climb it?” Laura suggested.

“Yeah, like we could. And she,” LaFontaine gestured to Ell, “Does not look like she’s in any sort of shape for scaling walls--”

“Oh, come on,” Carmilla growled, “Stand aside.”

With one deft tug, the lock came off in Carmilla’s hands and the gates were open.

“YES! Freedom! Just a quick hike to the nearest town and we’ll be at the Hollis Home in no time for Christmas! Here, Ell, come on.” Laura tugged on Ell’s wrist and they ran. Laura had no idea how long they did, but when they stopped Silas was nowhere in the distance, and Laura was panting with a nasty stitch in her side.

“...Okay. We need to get Ell some clothes. Got anything, guys?”

Perry rummaged in her backpack. “I have some yoga pants and a hoodie I can give her.”

“Ell?”

She looked at Laura. Her eyes were doe-like and blue as the ocean on a calm day. Laura

didn’t know how to say ‘put on these clothes’ in whatever language Ell spoke, so she tried the next best thing and threw the pants and hoodie at her.

Ell grabbed the stuff, turning it in her hands. She seemed to take the hint because she went into the bushes, and about five minutes later walked out wearing the clothes.

Carmilla was silent this entire time. They locked eyes.

“Um...so, guys, I’m sure this must be kind of weird, but--”

“I don’t understand why we’re keeping her around,” Carmilla said.

Ell looked at Carmilla. It was clear from her tone that what Carmilla was saying wasn’t nice.

 _“…Es ist deine Schuld Ich bin hier an erster Stelle,”_ Ell said softly.

Laura had no idea what she said, but apparently Carmilla did, because immediately she surged forward, shouting in the same language.

_“Es tut mir leid, war selbst zu opfern, um eine unheilige Monster nicht genug von einem Es tut mir leid für Sie?”_

Ell looked at her in shock for a moment before firing back, too fast for Laura to comprehend.

“…What the heck are they saying…?” LaFontaine whispered.  Laura stepped back and the three huddled together as Carmilla and Ell fought.

“I think I can translate,” Perry said, “I’m a German major; the dialect is a little different, but I think I can understand them.”

“Okay, what’s going on?” Laura asked.

“Well...Ell had said ‘it’s your fault I’m here in the first place’. And Carmilla answered ‘was sacrificing myself to a monster not enough for you’? They’re going too fast for me to understand now, though.”

The longer they kept fighting, the longer they ran the risk of dying from exposure to the elements. Laura rolled up her sleeves.

“Okay guys, STOP!”

“But, Laura--”

“No. Look, you guys have history, and it’s fraught with tension and betrayal and I’m sure seeing each other again is very painful. But every minute you guys stop to argue is a minute we’re not escaping. And we may not be able to see Silas in the distance anymore, but I for one will not feel completely safe until we are, preferably, out of this country and more importantly, in civilization. So, you are going to shake hands or don’t, but TRUCE.”

Carmilla and Ell glared at each other for a long moment. Carmilla was the first to turn away.

“...Just keep her away from me,” Carmilla answered. She looked back at Ell. _“Soweit es mich betrifft, sind Sie immer noch tot.”_

“ Basically, ‘you’re dead to me’,” Perry whispered to Laura. Ell looked like she didn’t know whether to be angry or hurt.

“Okay, Perry, since Carmilla and Ell aren’t going to talk to each other, you be in charge of communication,” Laura said.

“Happy to,” Perry answered. She walked up to Ell. “Ell?”

She looked at Perry.

_“Hallo! Mein Name ist Perry.”_

Ell’s face lit up. _“Hallo Perry. Haben Sie gut Deutsch sprechen?”_

_“Ziemlich gut. Ich helfe Ihnen sprechen zu den anderen.”_

_“Gut . Denn ich bin sicher, dass der Vampir nicht hätte.”_

Perry continued to speak to her quietly, leading her with a hand on her arm like Ell was a spooked horse. They stayed toward the back of the group, LaFontaine slightly ahead, and Laura and Carmilla at the front.

“Carmilla--”

“Laura, I don’t understand how you can put me through this.”

“She needed help, Carmilla. What was I supposed to do?”

“Realize that you can’t save everyone, Wonder Laura,” Carmilla answered, “Especially when she yells at me for everything. As if I didn’t do anything to--”

“I know I can’t. Notice the entire campus isn’t following me right now? But can you blame her for being a little angry? Look at it this way: you help her now, get her someplace to live, and you are officially free of responsibility. No more guilt.”

Carmilla sighed, looking at Laura with tired eyes. “I just--I was hoping I could be free of exes now that I had you. Can you blame me for that?”

“You knew what you were signing up for when you kissed me, Carm,” Laura answered, and Carmilla chuckled.

“That is true. Well, then let’s go. The faster we can get her somewhere else, the better.”

Carmilla laced her fingers with Laura’s she walked. It felt wonderful--although Laura did notice her look back at Ell for just a moment when she did i **t.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Walking was _quiet._ The only two talking were Perry and Ell. With the occasional eye roll from Carmilla, considering she was the only one who could understand them.  

 _“So, you are friends with the vampiren?”_ Ell asked in German.

 _“Well...I wouldn’t say that,”_ Perry replied. Ell was pleased by the answer.

_“Good. Good. I do not trust one who would consider themselves friends with her. Although I appreciate Laura’s willingness to help...I do question her sanity.”_

Perry nodded in agreement.

“Perr, what did she say?”

Perry translated for LaFontaine.

“Oh. Yeah, we all question Laura’s sanity,” LaFontaine answered with a grin. Perry told Ell, and she laughed.

_“Your friend, she is smart. I can tell.”_

Perry bit her lip.

_“Um...Ell? Can you do something for me?”_

Ell nodded. _“Of course, Madame Perry. Whatever you would like.”_

_“When you talk about my friend LaFontaine...could you maybe refer to them as ‘LaF’ or ‘LaFontaine’ whenever you would say ‘she’ or ‘her’?”_

Ell frowned. _“I do not understand.”_

_“I know it’s odd Ell, but please, it’s hard to explain but it would make LaFontaine very happy if you did that.”_

Ell tilted her head to the side, looking at LaFontaine curiously. _“...It does not matter. Of course. If LaFontaine would like, then I shall do it for...LaFontaine.”_

_“Oh, thank you. You can call them LaF for short if LaFontaine is a mouthful.”_

_“Of course, Madame Perry.”_

LaFontaine tapped Perry on the shoulder. “Um, Perr? What were you guys talking about?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just clearing up a few things with her. She’s a very lovely person.”

LaFontaine’s brow furrowed. “Okay…”

They all walked in silence again.

* * *

 

“Okay guys, we’ve been walking for hours. Let’s rest up and get a fire going,” Laura said.

Everyone got to work. At least Carmilla could make a fire easily. All the others needed to do was gather tree branches. Her pyrokinesis took care of the rest.

She sat on one side with her arm around Laura, focusing on the flames instead of the girl sitting with LaFontaine and Perry on the other side.

She did not look any older than the day Carmilla watched her being dragged away. Physically, anyway. Same hair as yellow as fresh straw, pale skin with the lightest dusting of freckles on her nose, mixed with smudges of dirt now. But her face was sunken, eyes dark and haunted. Her lips pursed as she listened to Perry speak.

“You really think you can teach Ell English, Perry?” Laura asked.

“I was studying to be a German teacher,” Perry said, looking up, “This is just doing it in reverse, I suppose.”

“The real question,” Carmilla said, “Is why she packed textbooks and workbooks when she fled the school.”

“I was being prepared! And, as it turns out, I was right.”

Perry turned her attention back on Ell.

“Try again. Can you remember what that is?” Perry pointed to an evergreen.

“...Tree…?”

“Yes! Very good, Ell,” Perry said. Ell beamed. “Now, practice in the workbook and I’ll check on it tomorrow.” She handed the workbook to Ell, and a pencil. She went to work scribbling in it.

“Are we going to eat?” LaFontaine asked.

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Sure, LaFontaine. Put in your order and I’ll swing by McDonald’s to pick it up.”

“I packed some candy bars,” Perry suggested.

“And I think I have a pack of kandy kakes,” Laura added, rummaging in her pack. “Carm?”

“Naw, I’m good.”

Laura frowned. “Carm--”

“I’m a vampire Laura. I eat for fun, not because I need it. You on the other hand, need it.”

“...Thanks,” Laura said. Impulsively, she kissed Carmilla on the cheek. It was a simple peck, but Laura blushed afterward, looking at the floor.

“Laura, you realize my tongue has been in your mouth?”

Perry’s mouth hung open; LaFontaine laughed. Ell only looked confused.

Laura looked back at Carmilla. “Oh, um…”

“Come here, Cupcake,” Carmilla pulled Laura in for a proper kiss, ice cold because they were surrounded by snow.

Ell turned away from the rest of the group, head bowed. She started mumbling.

“Um, Ell, are you--”

“I can hear what she’s saying, Laura,” Carmilla said. She got up and walked toward her, slowly and deliberately.

 _“What are you doing, Ell?”_ Carmilla asked.

_“You know very well what I am doing, devil.”_

“Both of you--” Perry started, but Carmilla interrupted her.

_“Do you think you can pray these feelings away, Ell?”_

_“I said, leave me alone.”_

_“Because they won’t go away. I may have betrayed you, I may have done all those things, but I did not make you feel that way about me. There’s nothing you can do--”_

_“I said SHUT UP!”_

“Carmilla, leave Ell alone!” Perry exclaimed.

“Yeah, she’s been through enough,” LaFontaine added.

“Like I care,” Carmilla said gruffly. She looked at Ell, who was shaking her head, muttering what sounded like the Lord’s Prayer. She turned away. “You’ll be happy to know that Ell thinks we’re all sexual deviants. But sure, I’m the wrong one here. I’m going to see if I can kill a squirrel or something.”

“Carm, wait--” Laura started. But Carmilla didn’t wait. She turned into a panther and bounded into the woods.

LaFontaine stared out at the woods that Carmilla had just disappeared to for a moment, before she looked back at Ell, brow furrowing.

“What just happened?” Laura asked.

“In all fairness to Ell, it could not have been easy being gay in 1872,” Perry said, putting a hand on her back.

“It’s not exactly easy today, either,” LaFontaine added.

Of course Ell had a problem with it. She fell in love with another girl. She’d acted on it. She’d been thrown into the maw of an ancient Sumerian horror.

 _“I wish I had a cross,”_ Ell said, looking at Perry.

“Ell says she wishes she had a cross,” Perry said.

“Oh, for her to pray?” LaFontaine asked.

Perry spoke to Ell again. “...No. She wants to strangle Carmilla with it.”

“Okay, no one is strangling anyone!” Laura exclaimed. “Um, Perry, did she actually call us ‘sexual deviants?’ Because we should probably make some ground rules about that…”

“No, she didn’t. Ell seems very nice. And, more importantly, the most normal person I have met in months. Considering she crawled out of the Lustig a few hours ago, that is rather sad.”

Ell flashed a small, appreciative smile.

Perry heaved a sigh. LaFontaine went to put a hand on her shoulder, but Ell beat them to it.

 _"It is okay, Madame Perry. Nothing could be worse than that campus."_ Perry seemed to like what she said, because she smiled. They all, awkwardly, started to eat or tend to the fire or just pretend a rock was interesting. 

There was a sound of a branch snapping, and Ell flinched, turning her attention to the noise, twitchy and nervous like a rabbit. Satisfied that there was no monster about to eat them--or worse, Carmilla being back--Ell decided to prepare for bed.

Ell spread out the tattered remains of her old 19th century dress, laying on it like a makeshift nest. LaFontaine sat next to her.

“Uh...hey. Look, whatever Carmilla said--”

Ell hugged her knees, scrunching her eyes shut tight.

“--Look, I just want to say that people like,” LaFontaine gestured, “Me and you, and Laura...things for us have gotten a lot better than they were when you were alive. I, uh, I can’t even tell you the last time someone got burned at the stake for being with someone of the same gender. Well, in a first world country anyway...and it’s only getting better. So...I mean...don’t feel bad.”

Ell only stared at them. LaFontaine finished with a ‘good night’ and got up to join Perry.

“...Thanks,” Ell mumbled. LaFontaine smiled at her before walking away.

* * *

 

Ell did not think it was her place to tell them what was right or wrong. She wasn’t sure of anything anymore. But the prayers were the one comfort, the one piece of her old life she had left. Even if they were useless, she would continue to use them.

_“...Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven--”_

A rustling in the bushes. A panther poked his head out, saw Ell, and retreated. A moment later Carmilla walked in.

_“Still up, sugar?”_

_“Must you still call me that?”_ Ell asked. Carmilla shook her head.

 _“Fine. Still praying? I thought you had stopped that.”_ She said teasingly--mean-spiritedly. Two could play at that game.

 _“I thought it a nice habit. My last positive connection to my old life.”_ She looked at Carmilla pointedly. The vampire sighed.

_ "It wasn't 'positive' when you were crying and telling me you would go to Hell if I touched you--" _

_ “Was what I went through not Hell?” _

Carmilla didn’t answer.

_“That is what I thought. You act as though I should be sorry. Sorry for what?”_

Carmilla sat down, far away from Ell on a log, hugging her knees. _“My mother imprisoned me in a coffin underground. I spent seventy years choking on blood in the dark.”_

For a moment something resembling pity bubbled in the pit of Ell’s stomach;

she swallowed, pushing it down. Pity? For her? Ell would not allow it.

_“Did your mother lie?”_

Carmilla looked at her, her eyes glowing yellow in the night.

_“I will forgive you for everything, right now, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that your mother’s words were lies.”_

Carmilla looked away, at Laura. _“We’ll wake them up if we keep talking,”_ Carmilla mumbled, _“Goodnight. I need to keep watch.”_

 _“Goodnight,”_ And then, purely to annoy her, Ell added, _“I will pray for you.”_

In the dark Ell couldn’t discern Carmilla’s expression, but she didn’t answer. Ell laid down and tried to get some sleep.

...Except, Ell was a woman of her word. She thought long and hard before she settled on a prayer directed to Saint Nicholas--the patron saint of thieves and murderers--before falling asleep.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, dialogue done in all italics is german, not english.

Perry was always a light sleeper. Unlike LaFontaine, who could have slept through a hurricane. Or Carmilla and Laura, who were snoring rather loudly.

The snoring, however, wasn’t what woke her up. She was sleeping back to back with LaFontaine; she opened one eye to see Ell, tossing and turning in her makeshift bed. Her hands tore more rips in her old dress, teeth grinding, eyes flitting back and forth under her eyelids. Perry pursed her lips, getting up and kneeling by her.

_“Ell? Wake up, sweetie. Come on.”_

She put a hand on Ell’s shoulder; her back was to Perry, and she shook her gently. Ell clutched her chest, taking a shuddery breath, eyes wild and horrified as she sat up.

 _“It’s dark!”_ Ell exclaimed. Perry rubbed her back.

_“It’s morning; it’ll be light soon. You were having a nightmare, Ell.”_

Ell stared forward. _“It was dark...they were dragging me toward the pit, and I was crying, and she was watching me. Not doing anything, only watching, and they pushed me in and all I saw was this light. I screamed, but there was no sound and I just kept falling, but I never hit the bottom--”_

 _“You’re fine, Ell,”_ Perry repeated. At this point LaFontaine sat up, rubbing their eyes.

“Perr? What’s up?”

“Ell had a nightmare. I’m helping her. Ell? _Honey, can you breathe like this for me?”_

Ell matched Perry’s breathing, until her eyes focused and she shook her head.

_“I...I am sorry, Madame Perry. Truly.”_

_“It’s fine. It is nothing to be ashamed of, I promise. Did that help?”_

Ell wiped at the corners of her eyes and nodded.

 _“Good.”_ Perry gave Ell a friendly pat. _“Come on, let’s wake the others and keep moving.”_

LaFontaine had the same idea; they took off their shoe, throwing it at Laura. Ell winced.

“HEY!” Carmilla, who had her arms wrapped around Laura, woke up.

“Laura, what?”

“LaFontaine, did you just throw a shoe at me?”

“It got you guys up,” LaFontaine answered, standing and stretching. “Now let’s get moving!”

“Breakfast first,” Laura said, “I am starving.”

“I brought trail mix,” Perry answered, rummaging in her bag, “Here, have some.”

Ell picked out the peanuts, chewing on them. _“I am not very hungry,”_ Ell said to Perry’s look of disapproval when she did not take any more.

LaFontaine squinted, looking at the sky. “Looks like rain. Snow, more likely. We should move as fast as we can before we need to find shelter.”

“Oh, yes.” Carmilla stretched herself, looking at Ell. “The clouds are making it kind of dark, aren’t they? Dark, damp...almost like a cave. Or even a _pit.”_

Ell’s complexion paled. Laura gave Carmilla a disapproving look.

The snow picked up and Ell shivered, pulling the drawstrings of the hoodie tighter. She had no idea how long she’d been walking. Long enough that her face felt numb. And everything else.

“Okay, if we keep walking in this we’ll freeze to death,” Laura said, “Let’s go find a place to rest.”

“I think I see a cave up ahead,” Carmilla suggested.

“Yeah! I can see it to. It’ll be nice and dry in there. Hopefully.”

Ell didn’t say anything. She mostly avoided talking, other than the occasional conversation with Perry. Who was the closest thing she had to a friend, so far. They kept walking until they came to the mouth of the cave.

“Nice!” LaFontaine said, “It looks pretty dry in there. Dryer than out here at least.”

“It’s not exactly hotel accommodations, but it will do,” Perry said. Everyone walked in after Carmilla turned into a panther and checked for bears.

Except for Ell.

 _“Ell, are you coming?”_ Perry asked.

Ell stared at the mouth of the cave. Carmilla’s words that morning swirled in her head. Dark, damp, like a cave. Or a pit.

She shook her head.

 _“Oh, what the fuck is wrong now, Ell?”_ Carmilla asked.

It was her biting tone that made Ell grit her teeth. _“You are the one that said the cave is like the pit!”_ But Ell took a breath and shut her eyes tight. She tried the breathing Perry had taught her that morning. It helped, somewhat.

_It is just a cave, Ell. You’re not going back. You’ll never see that crater again..._

They saved her life. They gave her the chance to have a future. The least she could do was not be a burden on them.

_“...Fine. I will walk in the cave.”_

Ell took it one step at a time; it made her skin crawl. She had never thought of herself as particularly brave before everything that happened, and this cave would have been rather creepy even it didn’t remind her of the most terrible experience of her life…

She must have looked as horrible as she felt, because the others looked like they were deciding what to do with her as she leaned her back against the wall of the cave.

“She doesn’t look so good, guys...what should we do?”

“What are we supposed to do?” Carmilla answered, “Laura, we can’t sleep outside because she’s afraid of caves--”

“You’re the one that put it in her head,” LaFontaine pointed out, “I’m pretty sure that means you need to figure out how to fix it.”

They all seemed to forget that Ell could understand spoken english, somewhat. And it hurt. It hurt that they all talked about her like she was a child.

It also hurt that they weren’t necessarily wrong for doing so. Maybe Ell _was_ as useful as a child.

“Look, just...just give her something to do. A book or something--”

Laura’s face lit up. “A book!” She took off her pack, rummaging through it. “...This is perfect. Ell!”

Ell looked at her. “Yes?”

Laura looked at Perry. “Perr, could you…?”

Perry smiled, taking the book from Laura’s hands. _“Ell, did you ever read Pride and Prejudice?”_

Ell’s eyes widened. How in the world…? _“How do you have that? It was published before I was born.”_

_“They reprint them. People today still read it.”_

Ell got up, taking the book from Perry. It was such a wonderful love story. She opened the book, frowning as she scanned the page.

_“I do not read english very well.”_

“Oh.” Perry translated it for Laura and Carmilla. “I suppose I can read it for her.”

“Perr, you’re exhausted--like the rest of us,” LaFontaine answered, “You can’t stay up all night for her.”

Laura looked at Carmilla. “Carm--”

“No,” Ell and Carmilla answered at the same time.

“Well, Carmilla is nocturnal, and unless Ell would rather go to bed--”

Ell remembered the dreams that had plagued her before and shook her head.

“--Well, Carmilla is awake, and she can read. Come on, Carm, please? For me?” Laura batted her eyelashes at her, and Carmilla rolled her eyes.

“God, you are really milking this cupcake. Fine,” Carmilla swiped the book from Ell’s hands, “I will read Ell a bedtime story. Come on, sugar.”  

She weighed the pros and cons. Horrible vampire whose presence was very likely only exacerbating the horrible nightmares and constant state of anxiety.

But, her favorite book.

Ell finally acquiesced. She let Carmilla sit as far  away as possible while still allowing her to whisper the words. Everyone else, satisfied, started getting everything ready for bed.

“Okay, let’s get this over with,” Carmilla sighed, _“Chapter one...’It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife...’”_

Ell didn’t want to look at her, so she closed her eyes and tried to pretend that this was just...a disembodied voice? Was going insane really what Ell wished rather than being near Carmilla at this point?

She wasn’t reading very well. Carmilla’s voice was flat, completely monotone. As opposed to...when…the memory came to Ell, like something in a dream, once forgotten.

_They sat in front of the fireplace, curled together under a blanket. The blanket was not for warmth, but to hide their joined hands in case someone were to burst in unexpectedly._

_“...I know how to read, Carmilla,” Ell said, looking at her, “I don’t need you to read the book for me.”_

_Carmilla looked at her, raising their clasped hands and kissing Ell’s palm. Ell fought the urge to suck in a breath. “I know I don’t, sugar. But don’t you want to hear me say…” Carmilla let go of Ell’s hand, flipping through the book and looking at her again. “‘You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.’”_

_Ell blushed, looking at the empty fireplace. “Are you saying that as Carmilla Karnstein, or as Fitzwilliam Darcy?”_

_“The words are Darcy’s,” she answered playfully, “but the feelings are mine.”_

_Ell looked left and right, checking to make sure the coast was clear, before leaning in to kiss Carmilla quickly--_

Ell was snapped out of the recollection by the sound of Carmilla saying her name.

_“I’m sorry, what?”_

_“I’m not reading this thing if you’re not going to pay attention.”_

_“No, I am. Please.”_

Ell shifted. She didn’t like being reminded of...that...partially because it was unpleasant to remember how she was betrayed. And--just a little--because Ell felt a bit guilty for still finding those memories of kissing her, of curling up with her kind of... pleasant.

“Okay, where was I... _’Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three and twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character...’”_

Ell didn’t know she had fallen asleep until she woke from one of her nightmares, realizing she was alone, with the book was being used as her pillow.


End file.
